Tuesday, January 17, 2006

No one puts Rubinman in the corner...

So, let's talk about Sunday… Anyone feel like they maybe forgot somethin this Sunday? Like, maybe the Rubinman's BURFDAY mebbe? Anyone at all?

To be honest, I'm disappointed in yoos all. There I was, the burfday boy, three years old (which means I'm BIG now. Bigger than you for a start, so you just watch it, pal) and just sittin there waiting for my presents, and what do I get? NOTHING. I get nothing.

OK, I did get something. I got somethin from Amber and Terry, but, like, it took them until MIDDAY to even remember, which I think is pretty bad. Mind you, once they did remember, they did the right thing: they got right into that "car", they headed out, and they bought me stuff.

Stuff they bought me:

Two "bones"
Three "chews"
Like, about a MILLION "goodboys".

My Norma and John? Nothin. Still haven't seen hide nor hair of them two, and you know what I think? I think they're SCARED, and so they should be. They better get me stuff this weekend, that’s all I can say. They better, like, get me a car or somethin. That's three times now I've been slighted like this, and the Rubinman does NOT like being slighted, let me tell you. In fact, you know what I did that night? What I did that night was I crapped on the kitchen floor, and what I also did was pee on it. Ha!

Anyways, I thought seeing as I'm the burfday boy I’d give yoos all a little "Rubin retrospective" kinda thing (see, I'm the birthday boy, and yet I'm the one giving you stuff. I mean, that’s just me all over really). So, this is me when A&T first got me. This was just after I'd been raised by the wolves:

Look at me! Like a mental ball of fluff! I was, like, so small you could've just picked me up in your hand. You totally would NOT have been wise to do that, though, because I totally would have bit your face off if you had. Like I said, this was right after I'd been raised by the wolves, and those wolves said to me, they said, "Fang," (because, like, that was my wolf name. "Fangman") "Fang," they said, "You listen to us, son, anyone tries to pick you up in one hand, you bite their face off, you hear?" So yeah, that's what I would've done.

This is how small I was:

Couldn't even get up that "wooden hill" myself. Hard to believe it now that I'm so huge and fierce, but there you go…

This is how like a stuffed toy wolf I was:

If you look really closely, you can see that I'm not ACTUALLY a wolf. No, really! My ears aren't quite as pointed, and my fur isn't quite as dark, but other'n that, I'm pretty much a wolf all over. Even then.

So, yeah. Happy burfday to me. Buy me stuff, or I'll bite your face off. For real.


Friday, January 13, 2006

The Sheet Incident

I think if I were to name the worst thing I ever did it would havta be The Sheet Incident. Amber had washed a sheet. It was white and HUGE. She spent HOURS ironing it, and she was complaining the whole time because she hates ironing. Well, I waited until she was just about finished. Then in I strolled, casual as anything. Amber started to notice a really strong smell of pee... She looked down... There, right in the middle of her beautiful, crisp, snowy-white sheet, was a huge yellow pee-stain. The Rubinman had struck again.

Well, I thought she was going to kill me. She was really MAD - and even more so when she chased me down the stairs and almost stood in the pile of crap I'd left at the bottom. (Note the word "almost" here. She didn't ACTUALLY stand in it. So why all the fuss?) After that I decided to quieten things down a bit, pretend to be "good". I did the odd pee here and there - mainly there, on the corner of the leather suite, to be honest, and I was sent to the SIN BIN for that. But I tried to be good. Until last week.

Last week I decided to reprise my "peeing on the ironing" act. She had been ironing Terry's shirts. Two of them. She had hung them up on a chair for Terry to put them away. Ha! It wasn't until he was getting ready for bed that he found the tell-tale yellow marks. I had managed to get both of the shirts. And - get this - by then it was TOO LATE for them to give me a row! Hee!

Also last week I pulled off my greatest trick yet. Imagine, if you will, that you're Amber. You've just come downstairs first thing in the morning to find that the Rubinman has, as always, left a big pile o' crap beside the back door, on the newspapers which are provided for that very purpose. You heave a big sigh and begin to clean up. It's as you straighten up from disinfecting the floor that something catches your eye. Something brown and smelly. Almost like a crap. But no, it's at eye level. It can't be? Surely to god it CAN'T be?! It is. There, sitting on the kitchen counter, right next to your bonsai tree and your fairy liquid, is a crap. How did it get there? How, for the love of god, did it get there?! In the corner sits the Rubinman, quietly watching....

I bet you're wondering how I did it, aren't you? You're thinking, 'small dog, high counter' - how DID he do it? Well I'm not going to tell you. Does the Magic Circle give its secrets away? Well then.

Other than that, here's a list of other BAD stuff I've done:
1. barking really early in the morning
2. barking during the middle of the night
3. barking really early in the morning ON THE WEEKEND
4. a bit more barking
5. some more barking
6. barking again
7. and a quick spot of barking
8. barking
9. I'm still barking
10. STILL barking
11. I've stopped for a quick pee
12. I'm barking again
13. And again
14. I WON'T STOP barking
15. Bite me.

Anyway, better go and have a nap. I'm up early tomorrow...

P.S .
Also: got me a new bed. Ya like?