Friday, November 25, 2005

Who's afraid of the big bad WOLF?*

Yo, Rubinman in da house. Here's the thing, though: I'm totally NOT in the house. I haven't been in the house for TWO WEEKS in fact, and quite frankly, I am NOT amused…

Now, I'm not talkin about my OWN house, here. Like, I've been THERE – aint no one could kick the Rubinman out in the cold. No, it's my Norma and John's house. I haven't been welcome there for weeks, and you know why? Because my "Uncle Jerry" has been there, that's why.

Now, I know what yoos all are thinkin'. Yoos are all, "ah, that's nice, he must've came to see the Rubinman." Yeah, right. Dude is TERRIFIED of me. Like, totally terrified. Every time he's here he's all, "where's that wolf? Is that wolf here? You keep that wolf away from me, OK?" TERRIFIED. He tries to make out that he's just "allergic", but I think we all know the truth – I scare the bejesus outta him, and you got to admit, it's understandable. I mean, you only haveta look at me ->

Anyway, so that's partly why I haven't been "blogging" for a while. The "Uncle Jerry" came and there were whole days where weren't nothin' to do but pee all over the kitchen and on my bed. Last week I peed on my bed seven times. Seven. Hee! I also perfected a little somethin' I've been working on for a while. I call it "projectile peeing", and I'm like, the world champion at it. It's like, I'll probably be peeing for Scotland in the next Olympics or something.

I first found out I could do it one day when I was out walking Amber and we went over this bridge. Bridge has got metal railings along it, road down below. Well, I did what anyone else would do – lifted my leg and let fly. Hee! Imagine it: car on the road, full of happy campers off on their hodilays… as they approach the bridge they see the Rubinman up above, leg raised… Now we don't go over that bridge no more. Anyways, I can also projectile pee out of AZKABAN, my dog crate. I can totally lift my leg and pee and it lands nowhere near my bed. You should see Amber's face! (Note: sometimes I totally pee on my bed anyway, just because I can).

Also: that thing happened again. That thing where I go to bed and everything's normal and then I wake up and there's mental white stuff everywhere. Here's a little game for you - I call it "Where's Rubin?"

D'yer know what it is yet?

It's meeeeee!

Here's another (scarier) one for yoos:

Yeah, don't even LOOK at my ball. Especially not you, Unc Jer. I'll bite your face off!

MY ball.

And this one's for you, Uncle Jerry:

Smell ya later, dudes!

P.S. Norma? Don't say anything about me bein' out without my red coat on. It's like, wolves families don't even make them wear coats. For real.

* answer: My Uncle Jerry .